“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

I'm not really sure why I never listen to myself. It's almost as if some sick part of me enjoys his game of cat and mouse. Laying here thinking, I find myself being drawn back to the moment in the hotel, where I was holding my cup of water (which oddly was supposed to cue me to end the encounter once it was empty), listening to him pontificate on how I could improve my prelim. I remember sitting there, like a child looking up in obedience and thinking how truly amazing he was in every sense of the word. And then...without any trigger, I heard as loud as day, my soul say but "be careful not to fall back in love with him".

I am never careful...I try to be, but some where some how, I always find myself falling down stairs, jumping into time warps, or falling in love with the same man for the last 10 years. As he took care of me at the restaurant and the walk back to the hotel(yes the asthma induced episode of slow strolling), I kept feeling my heart grow warmer. He is different :)...isn't that how most downfalls begin...with some silly woman thinking some man has changed when in fact what is , has always been and will always be the same.


But then he showed up at the ER...and stayed. Despite me telling him over and over he could leave...he played Rock, paper , scissors with me....he massaged my leg, and for the first time, did something completely selfless for me....and I enjoyed it. And while I was enjoying that moment, while I was laughing, smiling and stealing hugs...I let my guard down...and love in all its ignorance crept back in.

Now...I can't say that this is where my ignorance was made known...I mean it took a few non-responses to texts, a few ignored words for me to realize that while this man has always been capable of loving me the way I need and deserve...he lacks the desire to do so consistently.Typing that it felt as if my heart fell out of my chest and onto the floor. HE is capable, yet he is unwilling.


I can feel the tears welling up so I'm gonna pause now and regain my composure. If you are like me, you don't trust easily. If you are like me, when you finally love, its like you are sharing your life force with some hungry inner beast, who finds it worthwhile to spend all your energy thinking about happily ever after scenarios with the one you love. It was a mistake to see him, but I think I knew that when I agreed to met to catch up. and now what was old feels new and fresh and it hurts. IT hurts because right at this moment, this man is probably laid up with some other, or drinking/dancing the night away, with no thought of me and mine.


But you know...every time I try to get mad, I can hear the joy of my own laughter when he and I played Rock , paper, scissors in the ER...and I know that despite it being irrelevant for him, we are always relevant for me. If you read this, I pray you have courage to let go and move forward...cause loving the past into the present is just plan sad.

“To fail is a natural consequence of trying, To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying”

So I failed my preliminary examination! But to be honest what I turned in was a peice of shit. While it probably seems to others that I failed to try, in reality that paper reflected to the state of my mind at the time. I'm confused....so very very confused.. confused as to where I am going and why I am even where I am today.  How the hell did I even get here? Do I really want this doctorate enough to waste the next year of my life trying to attain it?  Has it really been worth it to slave away at school for the last 25 years to get to this point? Would my life be any less meaningful if I was a masters lvel clinician rather than a doctorate level clinician. Can I accept a life that has less? “Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.”  To be honest I don't think my heart has been in the school experience for a minute...more like a decade. So here I am at the final of curtain calls and I choke. My topic is amazing, it is what I value and I have tons of passion for it. But my vision is failing, I have headaches everyday and my body feels as if I am dying...being sick sucks, and I have been sick for quit a while. And without love to lessen the blow, I find myself finding more and more reasons to stay in my bed than get up and write. I wouldn't blame my school for kicking me out, life happened right when they gave me a shot to make things better and I failed. But I've chosen to give this next 30 days my undivided attention, to write what is in my head and what I believe and to let the chips fall wherever they may. Perhaps I will not complete the program, perhaps my life will be required of me before I even get through the week. One thing for sure that I know is that I am ready for a change in my attitude. Ready to move beyond what I feel right now into what I desire to have and that is a life that matters. Not to the program or the professors, or one that others can value on facebook, but one that I enjoy, one that reflects everything I consider to be my reasons for living. What were those reasons again? Perhaps its time for new ones...yeah new ones :)