No longer a child... 1 Corinthians 13:11

1 Corinthians 13:11: When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 

I still remember it clearly. Sitting in my room, watching anime on my bed, I had just gotten up to go to the kitchen when my phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, the number seemed familiar, and without my usual hawking to check who is calling before I answer, I instinctually just picked up the phone.


"Hello" I say rather quickly


"Hello Miss Sunshine, its good to hear your voice" he says sounding as if he is slightly surprised that I asked the phone.



*silence can be heard on the phone as my mind races trying to figure out who it is...the voice is familiar...and so is the sadness it is bringing up..but I'm bringing up a blank*


"Its been a while hasn't it? " He asks to which I offer no response. Something inside me is angry...well more so hurt, but I still can't seem to place this voice.


He continues "you know I have thought a lot about the way things ended between us, and I hope you know there hasn't been a day that has past in this last year that I haven't thought about you...wondered how you were"


Then it hits me its Mr NY Fly...


"I just wanted you to know that no other woman has ever treated me as good as you have and I known your value to me when I had you" he says voice shaking...he continues


"you know...being here I've seen my flash before me seems like a million times, and it makes a man think and...." ...I cant help but interrupt him

"wait...are you calling me from Afghanistan?" I ask, half amazed, half shocked...


He chuckles "Yeah...got 3 months left here, can you believe I've already completed a year"


All I can think in my mind is how crazy it is to be speaking to him...and how brave it was for him to call given that he had no idea how I might respond.


"So how's you health? I know the last time I was in your life you had a lot going on and..." I interrupt him again

"I thought the last time we spoke, I said it would be our last and for you to never call me again" I say unmoved by his show of concern.


""Yeah, you did say that. And I hope you know I didn't call to take anything from you. I just wanted to give you a call and apologize...I've been wanting to apologize since the night it all went down. And so sitting here, I figured it either now or never." I can hear the sadness grow in his voice and I can feel it melting the ice over my heart.


"Look, I accept your apology, I just want to know what you want from me" I say bluntly


I can hear him smile, and I know the thought he is thinking....this chick is still fiesty...still looking out for herself.


"I promise the only thing I wanted from you was your time so that I could apologize...so that you could hear me say how truly sorry I was for the way I treated you. You deserved better. I just wanted you to know that I know that now...it may have taken a few bombs to help me get a clue, but I finally see just how much of a blessing you were to my life. And believe me, being here without your support...has made me realize just how much of a mistake it was"
And just like that, healing began...it didn't end there...of course he began liking every comment i made on our mutual friends pages, then he built up the courage to re-friend me on FB. And then there were the discussions about GOD and how and where his and my life were headed. Today at 3am in the morning, while I am sitting sad, trying to type out the last of the pages needed for this paper for my preliminary exam, he chimes in asking me to "guess" what great news he has. As he shares how he is gonna be taking his daughter back with him to GA, we laugh about how soon he will be getting back to the terror of raising a little girl on his own.


It was nice.

It felt good to share that moment with him.


And in it all, it made me think about everything that has been happening with Mr. Freeze, previously referred to as Mr. Chicago. Growth, when from a genuine and loving place can't help but be felt by those around you...and the change it creates is a meaningful one that lasts much longer than a few hours time.

Yesterday I texted him in the morning to ask for him to pray for me, my asthma was so bad I could barely use my inhaler. No response back...later on fb I got a chime with his face being tagged in a picture and then got a word with friends reply. Aint that some @#%# But it all brought home 1 Corinthians 13:11 concerning putting away childish things.


Whats your thoughts on it all?

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

I'm not really sure why I never listen to myself. It's almost as if some sick part of me enjoys his game of cat and mouse. Laying here thinking, I find myself being drawn back to the moment in the hotel, where I was holding my cup of water (which oddly was supposed to cue me to end the encounter once it was empty), listening to him pontificate on how I could improve my prelim. I remember sitting there, like a child looking up in obedience and thinking how truly amazing he was in every sense of the word. And then...without any trigger, I heard as loud as day, my soul say but "be careful not to fall back in love with him".

I am never careful...I try to be, but some where some how, I always find myself falling down stairs, jumping into time warps, or falling in love with the same man for the last 10 years. As he took care of me at the restaurant and the walk back to the hotel(yes the asthma induced episode of slow strolling), I kept feeling my heart grow warmer. He is different :)...isn't that how most downfalls begin...with some silly woman thinking some man has changed when in fact what is , has always been and will always be the same.


But then he showed up at the ER...and stayed. Despite me telling him over and over he could leave...he played Rock, paper , scissors with me....he massaged my leg, and for the first time, did something completely selfless for me....and I enjoyed it. And while I was enjoying that moment, while I was laughing, smiling and stealing hugs...I let my guard down...and love in all its ignorance crept back in.

Now...I can't say that this is where my ignorance was made known...I mean it took a few non-responses to texts, a few ignored words for me to realize that while this man has always been capable of loving me the way I need and deserve...he lacks the desire to do so consistently.Typing that it felt as if my heart fell out of my chest and onto the floor. HE is capable, yet he is unwilling.


I can feel the tears welling up so I'm gonna pause now and regain my composure. If you are like me, you don't trust easily. If you are like me, when you finally love, its like you are sharing your life force with some hungry inner beast, who finds it worthwhile to spend all your energy thinking about happily ever after scenarios with the one you love. It was a mistake to see him, but I think I knew that when I agreed to met to catch up. and now what was old feels new and fresh and it hurts. IT hurts because right at this moment, this man is probably laid up with some other, or drinking/dancing the night away, with no thought of me and mine.


But you know...every time I try to get mad, I can hear the joy of my own laughter when he and I played Rock , paper, scissors in the ER...and I know that despite it being irrelevant for him, we are always relevant for me. If you read this, I pray you have courage to let go and move forward...cause loving the past into the present is just plan sad.

Epiphany Part1: Just a simple sweet Gesture

So despite my decision not to see him

When I arrived in Chicago and he asked if I wanted to catch up

I  ....CAVED

Not sure why...perhaps it just felt like too much

to not go.

Waiting at the hotel,

I had no expectations of him showing on time 

or even showing up at all.

When he called and said he was down stairs, 

I put on the shoes I had been wearing all day

Grabbed my clutch and walked out the hotel door.

With a cup of water in hand...

I expected this interaction to be over by the time

it was empty.

Weird, walking down the hall to the elevator

there was no excitement or dread

Stepping out and walking, 

I caught his silhouette  was shocked ...

I wasn't sure if it was him.

As I walked over tentatively,

I noticed that he seemed to be different

But my mind couldn't figure out why.

Yet as the discussion began, I noted a huge difference

It seemed as though in the 1 year half that there had been distance

That he had changed...he listened...he seemed to genuinely care.

Advice was given frequently without being solicited,

Encouragement spoken without a need being spoke.

At some point in the conversation, 

I found myself truly in the moment

Watching his face as he talked about how I might be able 

improve my situation. 

Although he was speaking and I was listening,

it felt more like a "WE" interaction then I had ever felt before.

I smiled...then my heart screamed in my head

"Yes he is charming...but that is no reason to fall again"

Almost immediately I became aware of a huge hunger,

And I noticed my cup was almost empty.

This warm towards him needed to be diminished.

Then in a fit of randomness I blurted out my need to eat

So surprised to hear him ask what I wanted

And then offer to take me to get what I needed.

All I could think was who IS THIS MAN!

This man who seems to be so attentive.

As we walked and talked, 

that thought frequently entered my mind.

Looking for my lemonade in the grocery store,

I heard him turn and say

"Do you want my jacket"

Funny when I don't expect things 

my mind seems to come from the most simplistic places

As I looked him in the face,

I put my hands over my breasts and asked

"why are my nipples showing through my dress"

WOW....can you say embarrassing!

He quickly replied no and remarked...

"No you just looked cold".

To be honest, it wasn't until we walked out of the store 

that the magnitude of that behavior truly hit me.

That someone who for so long has been so inattentive

could attend so intuitively seemed too much to bare.

But this my dears was just the beginning of what would be a very interesting night. 

Chicago Love

 Having grown up in NYC,

 I can honestly say, 

there was never a point in my life when 

I thought another city could even begin to 

make me feel the joy and happiness...

the sense of belonging that being in NYC could.

Enter in a man I thought was phenomenal,

One who I so desperately wanted to spend forever.

Someone whose world I wanted to know and experience for myself.

I chose to come to his home to see the place that shaped the man he is today.

And oh, how I love this city...

I've watched my appreciation for it grow 

despite the change in the relationship he and I share

And while there will never ever be a moment where

I can see myself loving this place as much as I love NYC

I still find being here spectacular.

And I'm happy to say its no longer because of him.