RWNTD*: Get Real Already: Don't Date what you can't deal with

Wow let the church say Amen!!! She put it down in this post, and I cosign 100%...sometimes we need to be real with ourselves about the people we are dealing with...point...blank..period!

RWNTD*: Get Real Already: Don't Date what you can't deal with

The Atheist and I...

Lol, all jokes aside, 
I consider myself to be a pretty serious believer in Christ.

At my core, even if this was to change,
 I still would find it hard

To even consider that some how,
 in some way, this wonderful universe,
 these marvelous bodies and
 the systems that run within them 
are anything but of an intelligent design.

So how is it even possible that I could consider dating an atheist?

To be honest, 
I blame grad school and speed reading...

failure to take out the time to check that one little section 

where we list what our religious views are...

I AM A FOOL!

Now I find myself in this battle,

my conscious says not to be a hypocrite, 

as one who believes in fallibilism...
who accepts that all things may not be what they seem...
and any extreme thought of absolute fact seems premature.

So then why does it even matter

Matter that he is intelligent,
 he is attractive, 
he seems kind

If at the end of the day my 
one belief in the absoluteness of fallibilism

Is gonna keep me from ever seeing 
him as more than a friend

At times like this, I find myself more angry at "the city one"

So caught up in a life of partying 
even notice that he is missing out on

being such a significant part of my life

Time is passing,
moments are being spent,
memories are being made in my life without him
and its all be wasting cause I forced to find in someone else

When my heart really feels I have already found
my other half in him.

I love that I can still love him,
but oh how I hate his selfishness

I hate the way he treats my love
And I hate that I allow him to treat as insignificant
A love so powerful and rare

And I know that even if I waited forever

There would never be a moment where

Mr. Ying would acknowledge me as Mrs. Ying

And we live on happily ever after

So I guess Mr. Atheist isn't so bad after all

At least he see's my worth and is willing to invest in us.

When all the other one seems to truly care about is "he" not "we"

Love my friends!

Today was rough, rougher than most.

At times I find myself sinker deeper and deeper into this state of pity...

why isn't my life as awesome as I had planned.

When I look at it honestly, 

there were times when I gave up what mattered most

out of fear that I would fail.

I think that has always been my issue,

half-hearted attempts begin 

once I've gotten a clue that 

"this shit will take work".

And it really isn't that I dislike work,

its more that I fear that all the effort will be in vain.

It's like that with my friends as well,

I disengage once there is something deep inside

that begins to scream, this will be a waste of your time.

Today while chilling at my pity party,

my phone rang and I missed it.

When the call was finally returned,

I heard his voice grow more with laughter,

felt us both smiling as we talked trash about this PhD process.

And at some point I found myself grateful.

Grateful that I had met him,

so grateful that I had taken the time out to nurture the friendship,

so very grateful that when I failed to do so he made sure the nurturace occurred.

As my phone died in the middle of the conversation...lol actually 2 hours in

I found myself undeterred by its quick ending,

for I knew for a fact, in a few months

a similar discussion would begin.

When I typed to him on facebook, 

a note apologizing for the abrupt end,

he replied with this...

"Lol--that's what I figured! Love you lots!  

I told(his boyfriend)--either her phone died or she

had to go to the bathroom really bad

and she just hit the 'end' button. Or, maybe both "

I couldn't help but start laughing...oh how I love my friends

but more importantly, 

I love how they so open show their love 

and total  acceptance of me!

I Need You To Survive

Sometimes, this world will make you feel so warn out.

And when the sadness creeps in it seems hard to regain your composure.

If you have found this blog,

I want you to know that if no one else in this world cares

I ...DO...

Trust, that despite not knowing you,

I know in my heart

that in order for this world to be the best that it can be

WE NEED YOU TO SURVIVE~

It is my hope that listening to this song,

your heart will be reminded that every life matters

every soul has worth in this world

even if man fails to see it,

even if you go your whole life with no one acknowledging it.

YOU MATTER TO GOD!

And there are those who need you to survive,

need you to hold on

whether it be second by second

there is no one who can do what it is you were born to do.

have courage that this day,

 though dark will not last 

joy will come in the morning,

even if the only joy is in the fact that you made it through the night!

Be Blessed

Young, Gifted, and Black...revisiting a dream

"There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true self." -

William James, American Psychologist and Philosopher

I never could have ever imagined the degree to which graduate school would change me.

Waking this morning, I found it hard to move...

I love my clients...but I hate the context in which I serve them.

Like Dorthy in the wizard of oz,

I find myself confused and lost.

With no TOTO to hold on to,

 this seems the most loneliest state.

I look at my faculty and think

I hate these people and everything the stand for...

What happened to psychologist's that truly cared?

What happened to earning a grade based on your knowledge and 

not based on how much the instructor likes you.

While I try not to think thoughts of harm towards them...

I find myself consumed with thoughts of their demise.

What would happen if APA were made aware of their actions.

But if nothing else has proven true since my time as a graduate student

I've learned that those in positions to protect...

those meant to uphold that which is right...

when it comes to academic institutions...

the integrity is often lacking...and atrocities are left to multiple!

I need to find strength to fight back,

to earn this degree that 3 years ago I traveled here to attain

but how can I when my faith is so lacking

the girl who knew she was destined to do this

now finds it hard to even speak her thoughts

These people I feel have ruined me.

Have taken the kind, happy-go-lucky, 

brilliant girl with dreams of improving the lives of others

and beaten her down to a shell of who she once was...

I've decided to turn back,
to return to the truth I learned as a child.
I am more gifted than these people can see
and with or without their approval,
my GOD will help me persevere through ...

Change is good!

Life is full of heartache, but there is also the beauty afforded by love! 

I treasure the relationships that have helped me become the woman I am today.

 At times, I've longed to be back in the arms of those whose purpose in my life had long ago ended.

For me, the thought of moving forward has always been tied to loss

and having had very little all my life, 

the thought seemed unbearable.

Today as I cleared my bathroom of all clutter,
I found myself feeling free.

The act of letting go is more than just therapeutic...its necessary.

As I found myself overwhelmed
by a 13 gallon trash bag filled with empty shampoo bottles

I wondered
why in the world had I gone so long without a purge.

Absent of substance,
 I continued to hold on to them...

as if by doing so,
some how I would still somehow benefit.

I love the men of my past,
but I'm starting to see how they too have to be let go.

Not so much to make room for the next, 

but to allow myself time to breathe...

To enjoy the absence before the next great love arrives.

To be alone with my thoughts instead of overwhelmed by them.

Yet one, 

He remains the thing I find hardest to let go..

His presence fills me with hopefulness

Forced to endure his absence... indifference grows

His love of life is intoxicating,

but there is little if any room ever made for me

So tonight, 

as I clear out this bathroom

I am going to also do the work of clearing out my heart and soul

Tossing away the thoughts and hopes of our past,

I'm praying will give me a chance to finally rest!