Call me Ichigo!

"The power that comes from inside Ichigo could never be stolen"-Rukia to Ichigo's assailants

"Ichigo... they don't know that this isn't enough to make you give up hope. They don't know what kinds of hopeless situations you have overcome! Show them Inchigo! Show them that despair isn't enough to stop you !!!"-Rukia reminding Ichigo of his strength

I absolutely love anime! But beyond that, I love the message behind loss. I watched this video having no idea that it would be the one where he gains back his powers. As I heard the words, I realized that my soul was saying the same thing to me....despair isnt enough to stop me!!!


So grateful how GOD can send messages in different languages that can help in the restorative process. The bible says, we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus name. I am definitely feeling that right now...devil beware, this child has their breast plate of salvation and sword ready to protect and defend what is mine. and I plan to do it all in Jesus name!

Thanking him for teaching me forgiveness..ode to a once hated ex

“In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder."-Anonymous

The other day 

while on the phone texting to the southern one,

 I thought about the "city one"

the one  who for so long

I have loved and desired.

Quickly I found myself saying

"THANK you!" with conviction.

The reality is that I am able to love now

because loving and dealing with our ups and downs

taught me to forgive out of love.

I seriously feel that he and I 

will never have a friendship worth much

I have given up on desiring him to be

 the kind of friend I need

But I accept that in his deviance

I learned a lesson that has changed my life

The lesson of loving despite 

or in-spite of it all.

Sounds silly I am sure....

 When it hit me how differently I respond to the "southern one"

I had to acknowledge how the battles with the "city one"

Created in me an ability to hear

To see with compassion.

I still do not think it is possible 

to love anyone more than I loved him

But I am grateful that the desire to see that love shared 

has passed

But most of all I'm grateful 

 that those past experiences toughed me up

enough that I can still hold on to love, 

in the mist of behavior that is unlovable.

I learned that my love is "deeper" than I ever thought imaginable!

And so is my ability to forgive...yet I had never noticed!

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, said the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.Jeremiah 29:11

Praise GOD...I made it through this day!

Sometimes life can hold you down and

 make you feel as though happiness 

and sunshine will never again cross your face.

but I thank GOD for being a a fence around me

keeping me safe and protected from those 

who seek to uproot me and lead me astray!!!

Today was not an easy day!

My eyes still feel swollen from the weight
 of the tears that streamed down my face.

I... in this moment... relinquish  all claims 
to any anger, frustration or sadness
 associated with the pain I felt today.

I ...in this moment seek instead to stand
 in GOD's glorious presence and

to declare, that I can do all things in JESUS'S name

Oh, Lord...I thank you

For the people you have placed 
in my life to help keep me

To say to my soul,

"arise young women for you are a child of GOD"!

I thank you in this moment LORD
 for Dr. Mitchell,

She is a saint whose spirit always seems to speak to mine.

Give me the tools I need to be the woman you have called me to be,

Thank you for using me today

To speak to the wounded heart of your dear child

My sister in the fight, Mrs. Virginia

Lord I ask in Jesus name that you protect her, 

Body, mind and soul 
from all who would seek to hurt or destroy her

Lord remind her of how far she has come

and how able you are to keep her feet from stumbling!

Lord, let every positive word I speak into her...multiple

Let every kind gesture I extend be seen as a loving embrace from you

LORD have every single moment we spend together, 

be reflective of your loving kindness.

In every interaction that we spend together,

Lord I ask that you remind us both of your words in Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, said the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I pray these things in your name.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."Philippians 4:7 King James Version (KJV)

Oh how I thank you Father GOD 

for renewing inside of me hope. 

I trust in your word, I trust in your promises.

 I know that what you desire for me is greater 
than anything I could ever imagine. 

I know right now my life has caused me to stumble, 
sickness has made its place in my body
 and I have lost the will to fight.


 I thank you for reminding me of your presence,
 for giving me space...time to rest,
 to gather my strength...
 to grab your hand and continue this journey.

I know not  where I am going,
 but I trust that where you are leading me
 is exactly where I need to be...
I trust that you have made provisions, 
I trust that in my lack 
you will stand in the gap and make sure that I continue, 
that I prosper...
and not just for your sake..
but because I am your child and you LOVE me
 beyond my ability to comprehend.

Thank you for being here with me, 
even when I lost the strength to call on your name. 
Thank you for sending people in my life 
to hold my hand in my moments of doubt. 
Please continue to surround me with your love,
 keep me focused on my goal which is and should always be
 to see you one day in heaven.

“To fail is a natural consequence of trying, To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying”

So I failed my preliminary examination! But to be honest what I turned in was a peice of shit. While it probably seems to others that I failed to try, in reality that paper reflected to the state of my mind at the time. I'm confused....so very very confused.. confused as to where I am going and why I am even where I am today.  How the hell did I even get here? Do I really want this doctorate enough to waste the next year of my life trying to attain it?  Has it really been worth it to slave away at school for the last 25 years to get to this point? Would my life be any less meaningful if I was a masters lvel clinician rather than a doctorate level clinician. Can I accept a life that has less? “Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.”  To be honest I don't think my heart has been in the school experience for a minute...more like a decade. So here I am at the final of curtain calls and I choke. My topic is amazing, it is what I value and I have tons of passion for it. But my vision is failing, I have headaches everyday and my body feels as if I am dying...being sick sucks, and I have been sick for quit a while. And without love to lessen the blow, I find myself finding more and more reasons to stay in my bed than get up and write. I wouldn't blame my school for kicking me out, life happened right when they gave me a shot to make things better and I failed. But I've chosen to give this next 30 days my undivided attention, to write what is in my head and what I believe and to let the chips fall wherever they may. Perhaps I will not complete the program, perhaps my life will be required of me before I even get through the week. One thing for sure that I know is that I am ready for a change in my attitude. Ready to move beyond what I feel right now into what I desire to have and that is a life that matters. Not to the program or the professors, or one that others can value on facebook, but one that I enjoy, one that reflects everything I consider to be my reasons for living. What were those reasons again? Perhaps its time for new ones...yeah new ones :)

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it….

I'm so in love with him, its overwhelming. it feels like time has started right from where we left off, except this time there is a warmth in him that was never there before. I love him. But I am afraid to even say it. Things never work out as we plan them in our mind. I think of him daily, his son...as our son...us happily living the dream I dreamed so long ago but love never last the way we imagine it will.

I just wish I knew what he was feeling, what he was thinking. Not sure though if i wanna know, cause knowing leads to doing and I think I am holding on for a reason. His son is so beautiful and when I look at his face, I see a little him but more than that I see a face that could have been half mine as well. ...if only certain mistakes hadn't been made.

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” Pietro Aretino

Sometimes its hard to love ourselves the way we should...

to speak the truth when in truth all we want to live is a lie.

 So blinded by a desire to be with you, 

we insist on not truly living but rather just existing,

 like fungus on a dead rat...

you pollute all that is beautiful about my love.

"Sad that memories never die, just fill your head with why, then your caught again living a lie again"

To love you ...is to hate myself

To accept what is less than what I deserve 

is to be destined for a life of despair

no longer a fool I have chosen no longer to pretend

It has never been finished, yet I find you are always gone

But this time,

 there is no desire to have you come back

"It's sad that, all he ever said, was that he loved me to death, but then he is gone again, 

and I  was WRONG again!!!!"

This time its me who is gone and never coming back..

this girl is no longer dying cause she feels she needs you bad

GONE and NEVER COMING BACK!!!

Just Once...I'd like to hear you say "Stay"

Just once I wish he would call instead of texting...tell me how much he needs me instead of saying "im just saying whats up", the truth is I cant love you when you keep yourself completely covered in barb wire, just once I wish he would be honest and say out loud "just stay..promise you will stay with me.

Right now, I find myself thinking of you and trying to fight back the tears. The empty feeling inside of me begs me to cut loss and let go and i do ...cause i want to...yet its so hard to accomplish from day to day. i refuse to believe you this selfish, this absorbed in self pity that you wouldn't just take a stand and tell me to stay. But I guess you did, and i never listened...i never took the time to show that i understood and i cared. life right now is just so scary, and i cant believe once again, your gone.

 http://youtu.be/swTjmWQa4IY

Grad school sucks

Sometimes I feel as though I am wasting my life away in school. I look at my friends..all married, with kids and happy with men who love and value them. To say I envy them would be an understatement. Sometimes I feel as though my lack of drive is due to the fact that when I succeed in accomplishing this goal there will be no one there to celebrate it with me.


I miss him. For the first time in a long time I thought of him today. Thought about how so many of my thoughts, plans, goals were tied into being with him at some point. I no longer see him as anything more than a man, so there is no desire to reach for him any longer, no need to seek out his care. But at times like this I remember how he used to make me feel when I would get this way. How I could do work for hours, how life just seem better.


I think I might be starting to hate him and it pains my soul to write that. but in the mist of all this drama, cursing the me who loved him seems like it would be too cruel a thing to do. This damn grad school has kept me from  finding an abundant life...so I lay here wishing and hoping for more~

The Ex... Return of the Southern Gentleman

Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
~ William Shakespeare


Today how my soul remembered
the one who used to walk with me to class
the one who I would gravitate towards
as soon as you walked into a room,


How crazy it is just to think of it
how one play lead to one call
and now the space that was between us
is gone~

I must admit, that it was in that very moment
as we laughed...

as old friends once again spoke

 that I heard a voice grow warm...no longer cold!

To say I loved you back then would be impossible
For I loved you beyond that
and felt grateful for the hope that loving you restored...

no longer bound...you made me feel free!


What started out as me being a momentary replacement
turned me into this woman who only desired
your gentle heart to be joined with mine


Its weird to have you back with me
but I can feel the rush of hope replenish my mind
with you I dream of cute lil babies
Of nights where its just you and I.

"Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all". -Toni Morrison

‎"No disguise can long conceal love where it exists, or long feign it where it is lacking".

---Francois de La Rouchefoucauld

"To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go". --Mary Oliver

I love these quotes! I think in many ways they speak to my soul. Love is in an essence either felt or it is not. Yet I used to labor under the false assumption that love was some kind of hidden jewel that would come into existence, like a diamond from carbonous dust, once I put in the hard work of loving him.

I was a fool. 

I find it shameful to admit it.. but blind "all consuming" foolishness, in many ways became my life where he was concerned. I would write...a lot...email...a lot...create elaborate gifts which showed how deeply I felt that his existence was tied to mine.

It was thanksgiving when GOD opened my eyes to the truth concerning me and this person I felt I loved. In so many ways, it could be said back then, that he was everything I ever thought I wanted...except for the fact that he didn't want me. Well that's not entirely fair to say...the truth is he wanted me when he wanted me...and during times when that want was nonexistent so was my relevance to his life. No call, no email, no nothing.

To be held by his arms...only to be tossed aside hours later, always left my heart aching for more. I believe now cruelty is not in never loving another, but in loving hastily, momentarily and only for as long as your desire abounds.

So often I would fall asleep in the arms of a person I knew my soul desired to never be without... only to wake up next to a blank slate...traces of all love gone as if never present to begin with.

Perhaps it never was love to begin with. 

What lesson did I learn from this?

The truth hurts...BUT wounds do heal...as long as you don't pick at them.

And over the years I have done just that. I'd get ready to let go, only to let go and to later be drawn back into the craziness of it all.

Hope is a complex and beautiful thing...it will have you wait around for a life time for something that can never come to past except for in your own mind.

I thank GOD for the vision and strength to let go.

Yet there are times when I am sitting on my bed or cooking in my kitchen when a thought pops into my head. It is of him...some silly thing he said...or I saw him do...and a smile would come across my face.

But change does come. Today when my cell phone chimed in with a text and I saw his name...there was no smile...just a sigh for I knew what would be written. Some simple sentence, expressing some minor thought, which expresses ever so clearly the following loveless thought.

"I want to know how you are...but I'm not concerned enough to take the time to call and find out".

So I have with this made up my mind, to let go of the concern that keeps me thinking of him so I can find love without him. A love that is thick , for as Ms Morrison so eloquently pointed out "thin love aint love at all".