SEW MY TIME!: Valentine's dress V8742 and Happy 30th to me!!!!

SEW MY TIME!: Valentine's dress V8742 and Happy 30th to me!!!!: V8742 So, I finished my Valentine's dress in time to wear with my three Valentine's! My hubby and our two boys.. My husband really made ...

Grateful for my sweet Omi :)

Oh...how I love my Omi...

when I feel like no one else cares,

like I'm all alone..

no matter the time of night,

or what day it is,

he always is only a text away.

Work got rough,

sent him a text...

as he responded,

only a hour after it was sent,

I smiled

then I read a little further,

after all the positive words,

checking in to see if I was okay..

he says ...

"I'm in Istanbul".

Crazy!!!! Even miles away from me

He is still looking out for me...

its one thing that L never got,

that it was never that I had 

weird expectations of when he would show...

I just got tired of him ALWAYS

showing up so far after everyone else...

even when he was the one the closes to me

Love me my Omi,

I pray he knows just how much

I love him and appreciate his presence in my life

:) Blessed Aihime

.."the nicest place on the internet"...

http://thenicestplaceontheinter.net/

So these last two days were rough due to some work troubles...

but as always people

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!

I love how even when I am stressed...

perhaps struggling to hold on,

someone I love will come by 

share something to remind me 

I'm going to be OKAY...

a friend posted this website 
and it made my day!

I am sharing it here in hopes that 
no matter what you are experiencing,

you will know that to someone,

even if only GOD,

you are precious...

and you will be OKAY...

HE will find a way to tell you :)

That you are ok!!

Be Blessed-Aihime

PS if you are dying to know the name of the song, 

it is "I have never loved someone the way i love you" 

 by"My Brightest Diamond". I pasted the lyrics below :)

I have never loved someone the way I love you

I have never seen a smile like yours

And if you grow up to be king or clown, or pauper

I will say you are my favorite one in town

I have never held a hand so soft and sacred

When I hear you laugh, I know heaven's key

And when I grow to be a poppy in the graveyard

I will send you all my love upon the breeze

And if the breeze won't blow your way I will be the sun

And if the sun won't shine your way I will be the rain

And if the rain won't wash away all your aches and pains

I will find some other way to tell you you're okay

You're okay, you're okay, you're okay

You're okay, you're okay, you're okay

Chosing the simplest to stay happy....

One day I found it hard to close my eyes,

it seemed as if the weight of life had me so down,

I wanted more than just to sleep ...

I wanted it all to end.

The weight of living with a body that isn't always well

seemed so hard a burden to bare.

A constant sense of enduring seemed to be all 

my life represented.

And I missed him.

The lover, turned friend, turner lover/friend...

now was no where to be found.

I needed a hug, 

some reassurance,

a smile.

I remember the day it all changed,

after hours of fighting to claim sleep,

my body shut down and rested.

When I awoke it was 1 day later.

Its amazing what 24 hours of sleep can do 

for the body.

I felt refreshed, 

I felt renewed,

but more importantly I felt free

In that instance of waking, 

there were no thoughts of you,

no thoughts of the demands of school,

no sense that any part of me was in pain.

Slowly, as my mind began to clear

the thoughts came rushing in...

tons of obligations...

nerves beginning to pulse with pain.

It was in that moment that I gave it all away...

the need to be respected...

the desire to be loved...

the quest for wealth and prosperity.

I gave it all away for the serenity of the present moment.

I let go of all the "needs" that were holding me trapped

and embraced a new way..

ACCEPTANCE...

APPRECIATION...

of how things were in the moment

and not of how I wanted them to be.

And 2 months later, 

my sleep hadn't improved much,

my health still weighs me down sometimes

but I seldom have those moments of wanting things

 to be over anymore...\

and I'm hoping that letting go of those things which made me sad 

keeps that feeling from returning.

GOD please hear my call....

Sometimes its hard..

real hard to let go of the anger.

I find myself angry that I lost out o my dream

because I spoke out about that which was unethical.

Sometimes the anger come from no where...

other times it is when I am contemplating all that I have sacrificed

to walk that road of becoming a phd...

I thank GOD for being present in my heart,

because it is at those times I remind myself

that my anger proves only one thing

..that I am believing more in the enemies ability to shape my life

than faith that GOD will right all wrongs.

These bruises though raw at times,

are proof that I fought against what what wrong

And when truth and right is on your side...

sometimes the battle takes longer than one might expect.

BUT joy and a resolution will always come in the morning.

Right now I pray for my healing...

the healing of my heart...

the restoration of my faith in people...

a renewal of my faith in myself 

and my ability to overcome people like the ones who

at this very moment stand against me.

I know that my GOD is so much wiser, stronger, and capable than

any evil that should come against me...

I am praying that my heart remains focused on GOD 

and not on what I seem to think I have lost

For the blessings of the LORD always end with a

"yes my child"

A love that lasts...

More now than ever before 

I find myself constantly living in the moment

aware that whether or not my future leads

where I want to go, I'm confident making plans 

won't lead to the end that is best.

Love drifts though in my mind as I lay here in bed

...love that is true..

love that is more than just comfort or ease in access

but the kind that grows with each thought of ones beloved

I want to be loved and believe that it is love

not just when there lies fear that my love might be gone

I want the kind that causes one to wake up

smile on face,

chuckles slipping  from ones mouth

thinking of some wonderful amazing aspect of ones beloved.

Lately, it seems all I can see if love...

the sight of babies make me smile and wave

I want to believe that waiting for the right one will be worth it...

I want to believe that giving it my all with others has proved some point

But att imes like this

when I am tired and laying in my bed 

at night and unmarried and unlone...

I start to regret loving him, caring for him, 

making him a priority even after I learned I was not one.

Here's to love working and lasting forever...

Letting GOD Lead

Wow, its been long since I last wrote here...I've learned a lot since the last post.

First and most important being

I need to let GOD lead.

Its kinda of comedic how one can say

"GOD leads my life"

yet what we really mean is

"I've planned where I want to go and what I want to do...

and if GOD has a problem and puts a road block up

I will consider it"

I used to think I knew what was meant for me.

the one I was supposed to love...

well he turned out to be someone who couldn't love anyone

ESPECIALLY not me!!

I used to think being Dr. Whoever...

would mean that I was honest, trusthworthy, ethical

But then I ran into the evilness that is Kentucky

and I learned that PhD's will allow 

predators, adulterers, liars  

over those who truly care.

But most importantly 

I have learned that I am most happy when helping others

Yes, the money right now sucks

But its nice to be making a difference

Nice to be away from the bitter people

with degrees but no true character

who were trying to shape me into someone I could never respect.

Right now life is good...

and it all started with me on my knees

wholeheartedly praying..

asking the Almighty GOD

to use me to improve the lives of others!!!

And I thank HIM for HIS mercy 

which keeps me from going postal 

when I think of all I endured at the hands of the evil ones.

When I think of how good life is all i can do is smile 

and praise HIS holy name.

Blessed!

No longer a child... 1 Corinthians 13:11

1 Corinthians 13:11: When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 

I still remember it clearly. Sitting in my room, watching anime on my bed, I had just gotten up to go to the kitchen when my phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, the number seemed familiar, and without my usual hawking to check who is calling before I answer, I instinctually just picked up the phone.


"Hello" I say rather quickly


"Hello Miss Sunshine, its good to hear your voice" he says sounding as if he is slightly surprised that I asked the phone.



*silence can be heard on the phone as my mind races trying to figure out who it is...the voice is familiar...and so is the sadness it is bringing up..but I'm bringing up a blank*


"Its been a while hasn't it? " He asks to which I offer no response. Something inside me is angry...well more so hurt, but I still can't seem to place this voice.


He continues "you know I have thought a lot about the way things ended between us, and I hope you know there hasn't been a day that has past in this last year that I haven't thought about you...wondered how you were"


Then it hits me its Mr NY Fly...


"I just wanted you to know that no other woman has ever treated me as good as you have and I known your value to me when I had you" he says voice shaking...he continues


"you know...being here I've seen my flash before me seems like a million times, and it makes a man think and...." ...I cant help but interrupt him

"wait...are you calling me from Afghanistan?" I ask, half amazed, half shocked...


He chuckles "Yeah...got 3 months left here, can you believe I've already completed a year"


All I can think in my mind is how crazy it is to be speaking to him...and how brave it was for him to call given that he had no idea how I might respond.


"So how's you health? I know the last time I was in your life you had a lot going on and..." I interrupt him again

"I thought the last time we spoke, I said it would be our last and for you to never call me again" I say unmoved by his show of concern.


""Yeah, you did say that. And I hope you know I didn't call to take anything from you. I just wanted to give you a call and apologize...I've been wanting to apologize since the night it all went down. And so sitting here, I figured it either now or never." I can hear the sadness grow in his voice and I can feel it melting the ice over my heart.


"Look, I accept your apology, I just want to know what you want from me" I say bluntly


I can hear him smile, and I know the thought he is thinking....this chick is still fiesty...still looking out for herself.


"I promise the only thing I wanted from you was your time so that I could apologize...so that you could hear me say how truly sorry I was for the way I treated you. You deserved better. I just wanted you to know that I know that now...it may have taken a few bombs to help me get a clue, but I finally see just how much of a blessing you were to my life. And believe me, being here without your support...has made me realize just how much of a mistake it was"
And just like that, healing began...it didn't end there...of course he began liking every comment i made on our mutual friends pages, then he built up the courage to re-friend me on FB. And then there were the discussions about GOD and how and where his and my life were headed. Today at 3am in the morning, while I am sitting sad, trying to type out the last of the pages needed for this paper for my preliminary exam, he chimes in asking me to "guess" what great news he has. As he shares how he is gonna be taking his daughter back with him to GA, we laugh about how soon he will be getting back to the terror of raising a little girl on his own.


It was nice.

It felt good to share that moment with him.


And in it all, it made me think about everything that has been happening with Mr. Freeze, previously referred to as Mr. Chicago. Growth, when from a genuine and loving place can't help but be felt by those around you...and the change it creates is a meaningful one that lasts much longer than a few hours time.

Yesterday I texted him in the morning to ask for him to pray for me, my asthma was so bad I could barely use my inhaler. No response back...later on fb I got a chime with his face being tagged in a picture and then got a word with friends reply. Aint that some @#%# But it all brought home 1 Corinthians 13:11 concerning putting away childish things.


Whats your thoughts on it all?

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

I'm not really sure why I never listen to myself. It's almost as if some sick part of me enjoys his game of cat and mouse. Laying here thinking, I find myself being drawn back to the moment in the hotel, where I was holding my cup of water (which oddly was supposed to cue me to end the encounter once it was empty), listening to him pontificate on how I could improve my prelim. I remember sitting there, like a child looking up in obedience and thinking how truly amazing he was in every sense of the word. And then...without any trigger, I heard as loud as day, my soul say but "be careful not to fall back in love with him".

I am never careful...I try to be, but some where some how, I always find myself falling down stairs, jumping into time warps, or falling in love with the same man for the last 10 years. As he took care of me at the restaurant and the walk back to the hotel(yes the asthma induced episode of slow strolling), I kept feeling my heart grow warmer. He is different :)...isn't that how most downfalls begin...with some silly woman thinking some man has changed when in fact what is , has always been and will always be the same.


But then he showed up at the ER...and stayed. Despite me telling him over and over he could leave...he played Rock, paper , scissors with me....he massaged my leg, and for the first time, did something completely selfless for me....and I enjoyed it. And while I was enjoying that moment, while I was laughing, smiling and stealing hugs...I let my guard down...and love in all its ignorance crept back in.

Now...I can't say that this is where my ignorance was made known...I mean it took a few non-responses to texts, a few ignored words for me to realize that while this man has always been capable of loving me the way I need and deserve...he lacks the desire to do so consistently.Typing that it felt as if my heart fell out of my chest and onto the floor. HE is capable, yet he is unwilling.


I can feel the tears welling up so I'm gonna pause now and regain my composure. If you are like me, you don't trust easily. If you are like me, when you finally love, its like you are sharing your life force with some hungry inner beast, who finds it worthwhile to spend all your energy thinking about happily ever after scenarios with the one you love. It was a mistake to see him, but I think I knew that when I agreed to met to catch up. and now what was old feels new and fresh and it hurts. IT hurts because right at this moment, this man is probably laid up with some other, or drinking/dancing the night away, with no thought of me and mine.


But you know...every time I try to get mad, I can hear the joy of my own laughter when he and I played Rock , paper, scissors in the ER...and I know that despite it being irrelevant for him, we are always relevant for me. If you read this, I pray you have courage to let go and move forward...cause loving the past into the present is just plan sad.

Epiphany Part1: Just a simple sweet Gesture

So despite my decision not to see him

When I arrived in Chicago and he asked if I wanted to catch up

I  ....CAVED

Not sure why...perhaps it just felt like too much

to not go.

Waiting at the hotel,

I had no expectations of him showing on time 

or even showing up at all.

When he called and said he was down stairs, 

I put on the shoes I had been wearing all day

Grabbed my clutch and walked out the hotel door.

With a cup of water in hand...

I expected this interaction to be over by the time

it was empty.

Weird, walking down the hall to the elevator

there was no excitement or dread

Stepping out and walking, 

I caught his silhouette  was shocked ...

I wasn't sure if it was him.

As I walked over tentatively,

I noticed that he seemed to be different

But my mind couldn't figure out why.

Yet as the discussion began, I noted a huge difference

It seemed as though in the 1 year half that there had been distance

That he had changed...he listened...he seemed to genuinely care.

Advice was given frequently without being solicited,

Encouragement spoken without a need being spoke.

At some point in the conversation, 

I found myself truly in the moment

Watching his face as he talked about how I might be able 

improve my situation. 

Although he was speaking and I was listening,

it felt more like a "WE" interaction then I had ever felt before.

I smiled...then my heart screamed in my head

"Yes he is charming...but that is no reason to fall again"

Almost immediately I became aware of a huge hunger,

And I noticed my cup was almost empty.

This warm towards him needed to be diminished.

Then in a fit of randomness I blurted out my need to eat

So surprised to hear him ask what I wanted

And then offer to take me to get what I needed.

All I could think was who IS THIS MAN!

This man who seems to be so attentive.

As we walked and talked, 

that thought frequently entered my mind.

Looking for my lemonade in the grocery store,

I heard him turn and say

"Do you want my jacket"

Funny when I don't expect things 

my mind seems to come from the most simplistic places

As I looked him in the face,

I put my hands over my breasts and asked

"why are my nipples showing through my dress"

WOW....can you say embarrassing!

He quickly replied no and remarked...

"No you just looked cold".

To be honest, it wasn't until we walked out of the store 

that the magnitude of that behavior truly hit me.

That someone who for so long has been so inattentive

could attend so intuitively seemed too much to bare.

But this my dears was just the beginning of what would be a very interesting night. 

Chicago Love

 Having grown up in NYC,

 I can honestly say, 

there was never a point in my life when 

I thought another city could even begin to 

make me feel the joy and happiness...

the sense of belonging that being in NYC could.

Enter in a man I thought was phenomenal,

One who I so desperately wanted to spend forever.

Someone whose world I wanted to know and experience for myself.

I chose to come to his home to see the place that shaped the man he is today.

And oh, how I love this city...

I've watched my appreciation for it grow 

despite the change in the relationship he and I share

And while there will never ever be a moment where

I can see myself loving this place as much as I love NYC

I still find being here spectacular.

And I'm happy to say its no longer because of him.

RWNTD*: Get Real Already: Don't Date what you can't deal with

Wow let the church say Amen!!! She put it down in this post, and I cosign 100%...sometimes we need to be real with ourselves about the people we are dealing with...point...blank..period!

RWNTD*: Get Real Already: Don't Date what you can't deal with

The Atheist and I...

Lol, all jokes aside, 
I consider myself to be a pretty serious believer in Christ.

At my core, even if this was to change,
 I still would find it hard

To even consider that some how,
 in some way, this wonderful universe,
 these marvelous bodies and
 the systems that run within them 
are anything but of an intelligent design.

So how is it even possible that I could consider dating an atheist?

To be honest, 
I blame grad school and speed reading...

failure to take out the time to check that one little section 

where we list what our religious views are...

I AM A FOOL!

Now I find myself in this battle,

my conscious says not to be a hypocrite, 

as one who believes in fallibilism...
who accepts that all things may not be what they seem...
and any extreme thought of absolute fact seems premature.

So then why does it even matter

Matter that he is intelligent,
 he is attractive, 
he seems kind

If at the end of the day my 
one belief in the absoluteness of fallibilism

Is gonna keep me from ever seeing 
him as more than a friend

At times like this, I find myself more angry at "the city one"

So caught up in a life of partying 
even notice that he is missing out on

being such a significant part of my life

Time is passing,
moments are being spent,
memories are being made in my life without him
and its all be wasting cause I forced to find in someone else

When my heart really feels I have already found
my other half in him.

I love that I can still love him,
but oh how I hate his selfishness

I hate the way he treats my love
And I hate that I allow him to treat as insignificant
A love so powerful and rare

And I know that even if I waited forever

There would never be a moment where

Mr. Ying would acknowledge me as Mrs. Ying

And we live on happily ever after

So I guess Mr. Atheist isn't so bad after all

At least he see's my worth and is willing to invest in us.

When all the other one seems to truly care about is "he" not "we"

Love my friends!

Today was rough, rougher than most.

At times I find myself sinker deeper and deeper into this state of pity...

why isn't my life as awesome as I had planned.

When I look at it honestly, 

there were times when I gave up what mattered most

out of fear that I would fail.

I think that has always been my issue,

half-hearted attempts begin 

once I've gotten a clue that 

"this shit will take work".

And it really isn't that I dislike work,

its more that I fear that all the effort will be in vain.

It's like that with my friends as well,

I disengage once there is something deep inside

that begins to scream, this will be a waste of your time.

Today while chilling at my pity party,

my phone rang and I missed it.

When the call was finally returned,

I heard his voice grow more with laughter,

felt us both smiling as we talked trash about this PhD process.

And at some point I found myself grateful.

Grateful that I had met him,

so grateful that I had taken the time out to nurture the friendship,

so very grateful that when I failed to do so he made sure the nurturace occurred.

As my phone died in the middle of the conversation...lol actually 2 hours in

I found myself undeterred by its quick ending,

for I knew for a fact, in a few months

a similar discussion would begin.

When I typed to him on facebook, 

a note apologizing for the abrupt end,

he replied with this...

"Lol--that's what I figured! Love you lots!  

I told(his boyfriend)--either her phone died or she

had to go to the bathroom really bad

and she just hit the 'end' button. Or, maybe both "

I couldn't help but start laughing...oh how I love my friends

but more importantly, 

I love how they so open show their love 

and total  acceptance of me!

I Need You To Survive

Sometimes, this world will make you feel so warn out.

And when the sadness creeps in it seems hard to regain your composure.

If you have found this blog,

I want you to know that if no one else in this world cares

I ...DO...

Trust, that despite not knowing you,

I know in my heart

that in order for this world to be the best that it can be

WE NEED YOU TO SURVIVE~

It is my hope that listening to this song,

your heart will be reminded that every life matters

every soul has worth in this world

even if man fails to see it,

even if you go your whole life with no one acknowledging it.

YOU MATTER TO GOD!

And there are those who need you to survive,

need you to hold on

whether it be second by second

there is no one who can do what it is you were born to do.

have courage that this day,

 though dark will not last 

joy will come in the morning,

even if the only joy is in the fact that you made it through the night!

Be Blessed

Young, Gifted, and Black...revisiting a dream

"There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true self." -

William James, American Psychologist and Philosopher

I never could have ever imagined the degree to which graduate school would change me.

Waking this morning, I found it hard to move...

I love my clients...but I hate the context in which I serve them.

Like Dorthy in the wizard of oz,

I find myself confused and lost.

With no TOTO to hold on to,

 this seems the most loneliest state.

I look at my faculty and think

I hate these people and everything the stand for...

What happened to psychologist's that truly cared?

What happened to earning a grade based on your knowledge and 

not based on how much the instructor likes you.

While I try not to think thoughts of harm towards them...

I find myself consumed with thoughts of their demise.

What would happen if APA were made aware of their actions.

But if nothing else has proven true since my time as a graduate student

I've learned that those in positions to protect...

those meant to uphold that which is right...

when it comes to academic institutions...

the integrity is often lacking...and atrocities are left to multiple!

I need to find strength to fight back,

to earn this degree that 3 years ago I traveled here to attain

but how can I when my faith is so lacking

the girl who knew she was destined to do this

now finds it hard to even speak her thoughts

These people I feel have ruined me.

Have taken the kind, happy-go-lucky, 

brilliant girl with dreams of improving the lives of others

and beaten her down to a shell of who she once was...

I've decided to turn back,
to return to the truth I learned as a child.
I am more gifted than these people can see
and with or without their approval,
my GOD will help me persevere through ...