"Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all". -Toni Morrison

‎"No disguise can long conceal love where it exists, or long feign it where it is lacking".

---Francois de La Rouchefoucauld

"To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go". --Mary Oliver

I love these quotes! I think in many ways they speak to my soul. Love is in an essence either felt or it is not. Yet I used to labor under the false assumption that love was some kind of hidden jewel that would come into existence, like a diamond from carbonous dust, once I put in the hard work of loving him.

I was a fool. 

I find it shameful to admit it.. but blind "all consuming" foolishness, in many ways became my life where he was concerned. I would write...a lot...email...a lot...create elaborate gifts which showed how deeply I felt that his existence was tied to mine.

It was thanksgiving when GOD opened my eyes to the truth concerning me and this person I felt I loved. In so many ways, it could be said back then, that he was everything I ever thought I wanted...except for the fact that he didn't want me. Well that's not entirely fair to say...the truth is he wanted me when he wanted me...and during times when that want was nonexistent so was my relevance to his life. No call, no email, no nothing.

To be held by his arms...only to be tossed aside hours later, always left my heart aching for more. I believe now cruelty is not in never loving another, but in loving hastily, momentarily and only for as long as your desire abounds.

So often I would fall asleep in the arms of a person I knew my soul desired to never be without... only to wake up next to a blank slate...traces of all love gone as if never present to begin with.

Perhaps it never was love to begin with. 

What lesson did I learn from this?

The truth hurts...BUT wounds do heal...as long as you don't pick at them.

And over the years I have done just that. I'd get ready to let go, only to let go and to later be drawn back into the craziness of it all.

Hope is a complex and beautiful thing...it will have you wait around for a life time for something that can never come to past except for in your own mind.

I thank GOD for the vision and strength to let go.

Yet there are times when I am sitting on my bed or cooking in my kitchen when a thought pops into my head. It is of him...some silly thing he said...or I saw him do...and a smile would come across my face.

But change does come. Today when my cell phone chimed in with a text and I saw his name...there was no smile...just a sigh for I knew what would be written. Some simple sentence, expressing some minor thought, which expresses ever so clearly the following loveless thought.

"I want to know how you are...but I'm not concerned enough to take the time to call and find out".

So I have with this made up my mind, to let go of the concern that keeps me thinking of him so I can find love without him. A love that is thick , for as Ms Morrison so eloquently pointed out "thin love aint love at all".