“To fail is a natural consequence of trying, To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying”

So I failed my preliminary examination! But to be honest what I turned in was a peice of shit. While it probably seems to others that I failed to try, in reality that paper reflected to the state of my mind at the time. I'm confused....so very very confused.. confused as to where I am going and why I am even where I am today.  How the hell did I even get here? Do I really want this doctorate enough to waste the next year of my life trying to attain it?  Has it really been worth it to slave away at school for the last 25 years to get to this point? Would my life be any less meaningful if I was a masters lvel clinician rather than a doctorate level clinician. Can I accept a life that has less? “Life's real failure is when you do not realize how close you were to success when you gave up.”  To be honest I don't think my heart has been in the school experience for a minute...more like a decade. So here I am at the final of curtain calls and I choke. My topic is amazing, it is what I value and I have tons of passion for it. But my vision is failing, I have headaches everyday and my body feels as if I am dying...being sick sucks, and I have been sick for quit a while. And without love to lessen the blow, I find myself finding more and more reasons to stay in my bed than get up and write. I wouldn't blame my school for kicking me out, life happened right when they gave me a shot to make things better and I failed. But I've chosen to give this next 30 days my undivided attention, to write what is in my head and what I believe and to let the chips fall wherever they may. Perhaps I will not complete the program, perhaps my life will be required of me before I even get through the week. One thing for sure that I know is that I am ready for a change in my attitude. Ready to move beyond what I feel right now into what I desire to have and that is a life that matters. Not to the program or the professors, or one that others can value on facebook, but one that I enjoy, one that reflects everything I consider to be my reasons for living. What were those reasons again? Perhaps its time for new ones...yeah new ones :)

Grad school sucks

Sometimes I feel as though I am wasting my life away in school. I look at my friends..all married, with kids and happy with men who love and value them. To say I envy them would be an understatement. Sometimes I feel as though my lack of drive is due to the fact that when I succeed in accomplishing this goal there will be no one there to celebrate it with me.


I miss him. For the first time in a long time I thought of him today. Thought about how so many of my thoughts, plans, goals were tied into being with him at some point. I no longer see him as anything more than a man, so there is no desire to reach for him any longer, no need to seek out his care. But at times like this I remember how he used to make me feel when I would get this way. How I could do work for hours, how life just seem better.


I think I might be starting to hate him and it pains my soul to write that. but in the mist of all this drama, cursing the me who loved him seems like it would be too cruel a thing to do. This damn grad school has kept me from  finding an abundant life...so I lay here wishing and hoping for more~